The Aching

It's funny... the things you learn from pain. Everybody has pain. Whether it be great or small we all experience pain. And even though we try to comfort ourselves by appreciating the fact that so many others have it worse than we do...it still doesn't lessen the pain...not even a little bit. Why is that? I think pain was designed to make you aware of danger. Meaning if you couldn't feel pain you might not realized that you just leaned against the burner and are about to loose your hand. Follow me? So I think it was intended to alert you to something that would hurt you so that you can stop it. But what about the kind of pain that we can't escape? What about emotional things...the loss of loved ones...the loss of a career...the loss of a dream....the loss of a friend...the loss of a lover? What do you do with that pain? I mean if you're leaning against a burner you quickly stop before there is any damage. But with matters of the heart...pain doesn't come until you're already too deep into it to protect yourself. Hmph.

Let me first say that I have, by no means, cornered the market on pain but over the last few years I have discovered what it's like to feel loss...in more ways than one. I have lost so much and continue to loose. I know what it feels like to ache in the most hidden places of your soul. To ache so hard that your body responds the only way it knows how...to curl up into a fetal position, the very basic of comforts, and scream and wail until there is not a tear left inside. It's funny how, even as an adult your childlike instincts can be very strong. David understood that pain. You know, David from the Bible, in Psalms?

So much has transpired in my life. As the aching in my heart got too great to bear I turned to old faithful...the Bible. l flipped open the Bible and arbitrarily landed on one verse. The page was full of words but my eyes saw only 4 of them. "He restores my soul...." (Psalms 23:3) The tears poured down my face. "He restores my soul..." There has been so much going on in my heart and my mind, it's amazing that somebody would WANT to be invited into the madness of my soul with only one purpose...to restore it.

Currently Jaded

As many know I am going through a divorce. The people around me have been so supportive. Some have remained neutral while others have taken sides but both have loved me through this whole thing. I am thankful for those who are by my side and hope someday I could be by theirs.

I once told somebody that I wouldn't make the same mistakes with another man. But then I got to thinking. What mistakes did I make? I walked away from God for a short while amongst other things and for these things I have felt remourse. Yes I made mistakes but loving him...was never a mistake. Giving my whole heart was never a mistake. Supporting him even when he did things that were hurtful towards me was not a mistake and it was not weakness as some have tried to convince me. It was love.

I was told once that love is blind. Well I don't think that is true. I think your heart is blind. I think your heart accepts people for who they are and loves them anyway. But that is why we have a mind, to counter act the heart that is so forgiving and stubbornly hopeful. Our spirit is also with us to receive it's own counsel from the mouth of God. God talks about love...what it is, how it acts, what it can become. God describes it this way...let me just cut and paste this:

⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Cor. 13:4-7

Right now I can't imagine how I'd ever trust another man as I am currently jaded. I wonder if another man would live and die for me one day and cast me aside the next. I wonder if another man would have issues too great for me to bear. I once said that I would never love like I have loved my husband. I know that now to be false because even though I am jaded; I won't always be. Love is in fact a choice. You choose to love somebody. Infatuation comes and goes but loving somebody is a process. So having said all that, there will be a time when I choose to love another. It may be sooner, it may be later, it may be never but I know that I still have that choice and when I do it will be whole hearted, without regard to the pain I feel now whilst cherishing the lessons I've learned. What a good day that will be. But until that day

I remain,

Currently Jaded.